exactly 1am in the morning.. hugging my pillow.. smelling of blue emotion... thinking... racking my brain.. to find the right words.. to find the absolute meaning of everything.. of things and people that mean alot to me...

its been 7 mths and 26 days and ard 9 hrs since the the "unfortunate" incident.. i've finally made it clear to myself.. that its finally over.. and that i'm so gonna let go.. and i let her know tt i am... well.. i guess that i shd be proud of myself.. *grins at self* its just the starting point of everything.. of a new life.. a new hope.. and new frens becoz of it.. but the old frens will not be forgotten..
thinking back.. i guess the incident changed me.. i've become more spiritually intune w God.. more sensitive to other pple's feelings.. (kinda.. still nd loads of working.. ) more sure of myself.. in certain ways..
also.. became more materialistic.. which is not gd.. more afraid.. easily emotional.. more protective of what i already have.. cos i dun wanna lose anymore things that mean alot to me.. and in the course of it.. learnt to have a sugar tounge.. lolX...
but most impty..i guess im emerging stronger.. tougher.. and more sure of wad i wanna do.. and im sure that will be a good thing.. and finally.. found the desire of my heart.. to serve Him.. and let His will be done im MY life.. and i will not let anything stand in the way..

it started at a camp.. it ends with a camp.. that's all....................

am i proud of myself?? i dunno.. it comes with a heavy price.. which i guess.. i shd pay.. for the way i acted then..
well.. been asking myself.. and elders.. well.. i guess that i've done the right thing.. at least.. i've tried.. cos i think this is the right thing.. so i guess.. well.. im happy in a way.. a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. however.. another one is put back on my back.. causing me to slouch again.. with the pain of letting go of the past.. well.. i presume that life is never one tt u can walk w/o a burden.. well.. all i can do is just...... let go... and yea.. thats about it....

will it happen again??

probably.. this kinda stuff is life.. and learnt fm really hard and painful expirence... this kinda stuff shd remain as happy memories.. esp if things dun turn out well.. its supposed to be a lesson learnt everytime it happens..well.. i learnt it the realie hard way.. i guess it prob will... but i trust the Boss up there.. i know there's a reason why things are happening.. why we have to feel pain.. and hurt.. and be weak.. to lose hope.. cos... God will not work in the rich and the powerful.. but instd.. thru those who are weak and poor.. and thru them that the Lord shows His awesomeness.. and the power of His name.. that the powerful will not say that they did it.. but the weak will say tt God has done it.. not me.. and hence.. displays His magnificant power to everyone.. (pastor to be?? nah.. ) yup.. i can assure you that God worked thru me.. have felt the HS moving in me.. many times.. i was weak.. and God made me strong.. and unfortunately.. i live to die another day....................