have you ever been so high? and yet, came crashing down back all the way to earth, and continue into hell the next moment?
been in a situation whereby you are slated to be the next BIG thing, and yet, got snubbed?

i have.

and the feeling sucks.

the feeling is the same as,
falling for someone, only to find that, he/she is oblivious to you. unknown of your presence around him/her, and not even thinking about you when you think about him/her all day long.

crappy feeling right?

who likes it?

i know i don't.

its a brand new (chinese) year, and everyone around me is getting ready to put on their new clothes, new makeup, new shoes, new this new that for the start of the new chinese year.

of course, the time now is to be taken advantaged of. like, use your parents money to buy the stuffs that you want, eating all sinfully heavenly foodstocks your parents TRIED their best to hide from you. =)


have you ever noticed the family besides you when you are done shopping, sitting somewhere in a cafe or resturant?

did you notice the couple walking hand in hand on your way to the car?

did you notice the family reunion dinner in the table next to you? that is, assuming you had reunion dinner in a resturant.

what were their reactions?
who were the people there?
how were they acting?
why are they acting the way they do?

did you notice anything?

i did.

did you notice your family gathering?
how did they act?
how do they correspond with one another?
what type of converstation do they make with each other?
why do they want to sit the places that they sit around the table?

found anything interesting?
seen anything that could be said as, mind-boggling?

i did.

i compared the jovial and hearty atmosphere around me with the me behind the facade, behind the mask that i wore, behind the veil i kept on.

and really, the feeling sucks.

imagine one day, you wake up, to find yourself, void of emotions, empty of feelings, deluded of your own presence, a zombie-like feeling washes over you.

that was how i felt.

i used to be a covivial and jocund person.

i still am.

i still am the kid i was when i grew up with my friends.

i am still the same person whom gotten his PSLE score, O level results, and going into polytechnic

i WILL be the same person who is going to collect his Diploma, enlists into the army, and when O.R.D from the army.

yes, i wont change.

but no.

the mask will still be there.
the veil will always be there.
the facade is a MUST.

a necessity.
a desideratum.

and it won't ever go.

for now at least.

the feeling of loneliness engulfs me like a sea washes over the sand.

i wish i could drink it all away.
i wish i can bleed the pain in me away.
i wish i could turn back time.
i wish i'd grow up suddenly.

to be in the work force
or to be in the army.

soon.

damnit.

i miss you.

who's this you? some may ask....

ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies.

all i can say is.

you'll never believe its you.
because, i couldn't too.
but now, i do.
and i wish you'd miss me too.
i really really do.